SPOILER ALERT 2: Thoughts I Had Watching “White Men Can’t Jump” for the First Time in 2016

While I was going through a rough health spell this summer, I spent my sick days catching up on all those movies of yore I should’ve seen but never got around to. These are my inner thoughts about each one.
CHUNG CHUNG!
(Please hum the “Law & Order” Theme to yourself at this juncture)

Thoughts about “White Men Can’t Jump” In Chronological Order

~ Alright, first and foremost, you guys should know that my initial exposure to Wesley Snipes was watching “To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar” 4,000 times before I saw him in anything else, so every time I see him, I’m just looking for signs of Noxeema Jackson. Just a heads up.

~ Man, this snaps battle is taking me right back to 2nd-5th grade. I miss a good “Yo Mama” joke. Times would be so much simpler if we were just resorting to that sort of rhetoric to settle our differences.
I smell a masters thesis coming on…

~ I am LIVING for this early-90’s-in-LA fashion!! COME THROUGH Color-blocked Spandex Romper! YAAAAS Doorknockers! I. Am. Here. For. This.
If someone snaps in a “Z” formation, I might lose consciousness.

~ So, I’m 20 minutes into this movie and, I gotta say, this is deliciously simple in its pacing and premise setup. We are taking our time, setting a scene, getting to know these guys and how they create a dynamic on the court. This is beautiful and doesn’t happen enough anymore in modern film. If this was made today, this whole scene would’ve lasted 5 minutes. This could work as a stage play. It’s fantastic.

~ Seriously, though, the smack talk in this dialogue. Oscar-worthy.

~ Hang on. These two dudes have teamed up to hustle the street ball scene in LA with the assumption that nobody will think that Woody/Billy/The White Guy can ball without considering that if they pull that crap even one time in front of an audience, people are going to talk about “the white dude showing everyone up and taking off with the money” all over South Central and their new gig will be over? Come on, even a white girl from the Southern suburbs can see this isn’t a sustainable plan.

~ Wait. Wait. Wait. Rosie Perez’s character Gloria is smart enough to know that Billy got hustled by his partner, but not smart enough to know that sitting around drinking vodka and studying to be on Jeopardy isn’t the best career option for her?

~ GIRL. You’re grinding on him from the car to the shower and then in bed?! SLOW DOWN. You’re making the rest of us look just awful. I mean, I appreciate the effort but that car trick won’t work away from a green screen.

~ Snipes’ screen wife gets ALL the credit for being a class act. Another woman showed up to her house to call her husband a thief and a liar, and this gal invited her in for a drink and to talk to her with respect, even though she doesn’t agree at all. Your taste in men is questionable, ma’am but well done on breaking down stereotypes of women hating women.

~ Oh sure. A guy finds out his partner swindled him out of $1,000 and is in a screaming match with him and his friends because he owes some mobsters money or he’ll die, but they all get distracted by a basketball game on TV and let the whole thing go. Sounds about right.

~ RealTalk™: Was this movie a way to introduce street ball to the white mainstream? Are we going to have a white-knight moment with Woody Harrelson saving the day?
Ohmahgah… we are, aren’t we?

~ These two mobster thugs trying to get money from Billy really illustrate how severely the mullet turned on pop culture. In the late-80’s and early-90’s, it was a legitimate haircut and then suddenly it was a national joke. It’s the hair version of Hootie & the Blowfish or Dane Cook.

~ I’m confused. Billy keeps getting held at gunpoint but never giving up any money, he’s making a drunk Gloria super angry at him pretty much daily, he’s walking around South Central talking smack to everyone including the one frenemy he has in LA… How has he not gotten the bejesus kicked out of him yet?! Not even a scratch and these thugs keep chasing him down and dragging him out to secluded threat spots.

~ This trio with the half-bleached flat top man buns are incredible. I hope they at least got SAG cards for this appearance.

~ We’re back with the snaps and I’m cackling like a crazyperson at this guy screaming for Woody Harrelson to tell Aunt Bea she’s going to get her ass kicked as a hypothetical insult tie-in to him being Opie from Mayberry. It’s like a snap that jumped the shark.

~ Oh noooo Wesley Snipes said The Title Line.
He fully asserted that “White Men Can’t Jump”.
And now Woody Harrelson is betting all the money Gloria is counting on to prove that he can, in fact, jump.
And dunk a ball.
And I bet dunking is The Thing That Saves The Day At The End of the Movie.
Aaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuugggggggggggghhhhhhh... Come ON…kind of lazy ass writing is this…

~ OH MY GOD SHE GOT ON JEOPARDY?!?!

~ LOOK HOW FIERCE SHE LOOKS ON JEOPARDY!!

~ SHE KNOWS ALL YOUR ANSWERS, TREBEK!!! SHE IS GALVANIZED AND READY TO TAKE HOME THE CROWN!!

~YAAAAAS GLORIA EFFING CRUSHING IT ON JEOPARDY!!! RUN AWAY WITH THAT GAME!!!! SNATCH THAT MONEY, HONEY!!! MAKE THEM EAT IT!!!!

~ I’m crying with happiness to the Jeopardy! theme now. The old retrotastic theme. I just want it for her so bad.

~ Gloria on Jeopardy! isn’t just my new favorite Halloween costume idea, it’s what I aspire to. She is my goddess now. I bow to her.

~ Movie’s over as far as I’m concerned. Gloria got on Jeopardy! I’m done.

~ Waitgirlno!! Why did you take him back!? Why are you on top during sex again!? You don’t have to work so much this round. KNOW YOUR WORTH, GLORIA. … wh-Don’t give him money!! NOOOOOOO!!!!

~ She just dumped him while she was on roller blades! Yes. YAS. Skate away from the bullshit. Put on that Walkman to tune out his garbage. This is the 90’s breakup fantasy I never knew I had.

~ Aaaaaand there it is. He dunked the ball. The White Man CAN Jump and therefore save the day for everyone hallelujah. But now he’s broke, he’s lost his pretty fantastic girlfriend and he only kind of has one friend who barely tolerates him. Awesome. Why did people see this? To soothe fears that white people and black people couldn’t get along?
…OH NO… WAS THIS HOLLYWOOD’S ANSWER TO THE RODNEY KING RIOTS?!?!?!

… Don’t answer that… I can’t bear the obvious… Dammit, white people…wmcj3

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