That title’s not hyperbole for dramatic effect; I just couldn’t think of anything witty, so “Candid” was the next m.o. on the list. And it’s true, by the way; I’m changing pretty much everything… And it sort of has to happen all at once…. And my old friend Anxiety is not thrilled about it, but she can go fuck herself; I gotta make some changes.
So, as I’ve mentioned, my PMDD has gotten worse as I’ve gotten older, going from a couple days of misery to almost two weeks out of every month where I’m just useless and immobile. I know. It’s a bullshit way to live. After running every possible test with half a dozen specialists to see if it could be anything else, I realized I have to just sweep the leg on the whole cycle.
Last month, I finally set up a game plan with a laparoscopic surgeon to shut down my entire reproductive system via a test run of Lupron (an injection that will stop the presses on my ovaries and send me hurtling into menopause) for 6 months before ultimately committing to a full-on oophorectomy. And if that seems like a drastic measure, ohholyshit, it definitely is, which is why I’ve been hesitating on pulling the trigger on this for about two years now.
I’ve read countless stories and talked to a number of women who have undergone hyster/ooporectomy to knock out severe PMS/PMDD symptoms to great success, (many, many of them have said it feels like being born again as a new person, which sounds like magic) but Jesus Christ these side effects look like literal hell (hot flashes and amplified night terrors included.)
I’m optimistic that all this will be The Answer like it has been for thousands of other women, and it’ll finally let me be the fully-functioning adult I’ve been dreaming of for too long now, but man, I’m scared. This is going to suuuuuck for the first while. Apparently, the body rejects the medication because it sees a chemical coming in to shut down a major organ as a threat (and rightly so), so it’s going to fight back with a battalion of hormones which means I’m going to be a treat for the second half of the summer. Super excited. Can’t wait.
The second major thing that’s going down is that, on top of going to grad school this fall, I’ve realized that I’m really not happy in a job that has me so isolated (and also that I hate that I’ve been too dysfunctional to pull my weight of the finances around here for a really long time,) so I’ve entered a lateral entry program that will allow me to go back and teach at public schools while taking classes to earn proper certification. Luckily, some of the classes I’m taking will double as electives for the MA, but I’m having to make some tough decisions about pumping the brakes on grad school and spreading out my coursework to make all of it manageable.
Also, I’m honestly freaking out with terror that my suddenly-changing body won’t be able to handle any of it and I’ll fall apart midway through a working semester with a full course load. That said, I know if I sit in this house and do nothing but write part-time all by myself every day for another 6 months, I’m going to be miserable, unstimulated, unmotivated, and just sort of existing… which is what I’ve been doing for the last few years… which is why I’m a passionless blob these days who hates everything. Again, it’s a bullshit way to live.
Oh, I’m not ungrateful; being able to stay home to work a little while I was figuring out my weird health issues was what I needed, but it has done nothing for my sense of self-worth or general capabilities. I’m not growing or being challenged or anything that facilitates me feeling alive, and that’s more of a problem than I’ve been okay admitting for awhile.
I’m optimistic about all of these forward moves I’m finally making for myself, but my anxiety about trying to figure it all out is overriding my excitement. I’m catching myself drinking too much when I go out and diving into my rampant escapism, neither of which are going to help me out if I’m trying to gain forward momentum. I can only tackle one thing at a time usually, and suddenly, I’m in an onslaught of stressors, which ::::sigh:::: I fully realize that I need to experience soberly and presently. The quicker I get used to this level of stimulation (and making my own damn adult decisions for a change), the better equipped I’ll be at dealing with it and the sooner this anxiety about being an autonomous adult person will dissipate. I knnooooww-wuh. I’m just not a fan of discomfort and am quick to remedy my aches and pains when they arise, so tempering my nerves right before I take the plunge into Hormonapocalypse 2017 sounds really appealing.
Anyway, I’m whining. That’s all I’ve got… Well, there are some other heavy duty things going on, too, but I’m not cool to publicly discuss them at this juncture (<- That's fancy talk for "T'snotchyer business.") Butyeh... Just some solid decisions to revamp my entire life, a hard plan of action, and a crushing sense of dread. Is this it? Is this what being a self-actualized adult is?